I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
