He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
