Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
