ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
