i already hear my dad disowning me
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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