my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
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