i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize
