I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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