it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Randomize
