i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Randomize
