I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize