So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Randomize
