i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
