she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Randomize
