Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Randomize
