It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
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