i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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