i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
