woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Just high enough for therapy.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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