i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
