Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Princesses don't give blow jobs
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
I think we might need a safe word for this...
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
