Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Randomize
