she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
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