So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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