We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
