decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
