i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
