Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
