He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize