I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
