We're like a lot better than the average bears
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
How does it feel to date your dad?
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
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