i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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