My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
no you cant smoke seaweed
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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