I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
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