He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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