He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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