God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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