If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize