you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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