I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
