Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
