Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
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