how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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