did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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