I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
