I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
