3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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