i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
You took a bar mat shot.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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