If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
