i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
