I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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