I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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