I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
