I haven't been this sober since birth.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
