I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize