Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Randomize
