Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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