I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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