Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
