Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
