why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
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